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Fuck History
This blog is dedicated to the freaky history of getting freaky.



[Sidebar image from A Treasury of Royal Scandals by Michael Farquhar]
antiquateddruggist:

A treatment for a wide variety of diseases, including hysteria, Vigor’s Horse Action Saddler “invigorates the system by bring all the vital organs into inspiring action”, also known as an orgasm. 

antiquateddruggist:

A treatment for a wide variety of diseases, including hysteria, Vigor’s Horse Action Saddler “invigorates the system by bring all the vital organs into inspiring action”, also known as an orgasm. 




Echoes of Lupercalia 

image

Image: Venus Whipping Cupid with Roses, Giovanni Luigi Valesio

Why is Venus spanking Cupid?

Did you know that long before the modern world chose Valentine’s Day as its designated day of love, there was the ancient Roman festival of Lupercalia?

Did you know that it began on the Ides (the 13th) and climaxed on the 15th of February, and consisted of purification and fertility rites that held such significance in the Roman calendar that the month of Februarius was named after them?

Although Lupercalia was a fertility rite, scholars believe its proximity to the contemporary St Valentine’s Day is purely coincidental. And that is why Venus is spanking Cupid in a 17th century woodcut. It depicts the echoes of half-remembered rituals still reverberating.

If you have someone special in your life, you are blessed. Tell them how much you love them, then show how much, by baring their bottom and spanking them pink. Or send them this post and be waiting ready for a spanking when they get home.

You’ll be reviving a tradition that goes back over 2000 years. Spanking is love. A warm bottom and a contented heart. Such is the wisdom of the ancients.

And if you need any further inspiration, lend me your imagination, and I’ll whisper you a story




river-of-constant-change:

The 15 Most Fascinating Sex Rituals Around the World
From Nerve.com: March 27, 2014.
Do your genitals have their own chant?
BY KATE HAKALA
Here in the United States in the year 2014, we have a pretty standard set of mating rituals: mill around a bar looking for attractive strangers who then purchase alcoholic beverages for you in hopes that you engage in friendly conversation and later, some sex. To an outsider, contemporary sex rituals might seem downright bizarre, but a deep dive into history books will tell you that in times of yore, throughout the world, the things we’ve done to get it on have been downright peculiar.
1. In pre-contact Hawaiian culture, everyone had public names for their genitals. Hawaiian royalty and commoners each had their own genital chants which described their sex organs both figuratively and literally. Called mele ma‘is, the genital chants were a celebration of the future generations boys and girls would sire. Plus, naming your genitals sounds a lot better than this euphemistic va-jay-jay business.
2. In the Sambian tribe of New Guinea, young men are kept away from women for a set period of time and must fellate and then swallow the semen of the tribe’s mightiest warriors. It’s just a part of growing up.
3. In the Trobriander tribe of Papa New Guinea, children start engaging in sexual activity as early as age 6 to 12. Women are just as active as men in pursuing sexual encounters. There’s no social stigma involved.
4. Some believe that in ancient Egypt, it was thought that the ebb and flow of the Nile was caused by the creation god Atum’s ejaculation. Because of this, pharaohs ritually masturbatedinto the famous river.
5. Homosexuality was socially significant in ancient Greece(this isn’t the weird part), with a particular focus on relationships between older gentlemen and young boys, or pederasty. The real stigma was when the two men of the same age and social class were getting it on, because being the bottom was thought to be feminizing, and sex was better off between people who already had a skewed power dynamic. Yeah, it’s weird.
6. The Guajiro people of Colombia engage in a ceremonial dance in which if a young lady trips a young man while dancing, they must have sex.
7. Male homosexuality and same-sex marriages were prominent for centuries in the Siwa tribe of Egypt . If men didn’t act gay, they were considered outcasts.
8. The little island of Inis Beag, off the coast of Ireland, is considered to be one of the most sexually repressed societies ever. Adults keep their underwear on during all sexual encountersand people consider intercourse to be hard on their health.
9. Mangaia, a tiny island in the South Pacific, is home to some of the earliest and most advanced sexual education. Starting at 13, boys have sex with older women who teach them restraint andhow to last longer to please a woman. Amen.
10. In the Mehinaku village in Brazil, men compete for sex with women by giving them gifts of fish.
11. The Kreung tribe in Cambodia built love huts for their girls when they reached their mid-teens. Different boys spend a night in the hut with the young girls until she finally finds a match. Divorce is illegal here, so think of the love hut as the sexual Sorting Hat.
12. In the Middle Ages, the church dictated that the missionary position was the only proper way to have sex. Coitus a tergo (you know, doing it from behind) was, of course, listed as the most shameful.
13. The Aweikoma of Brazil play it real simple and use the same word for eating and sex, since both involve taking something into your body. Great things, might I add.
14. Some tribes in the Himalayas practice polyandry, wherebrothers all share one sex partner. It’s done so that their farm land doesn’t become overpopulated with children.
15. In the Marquesas Islands, it was considered just fine to witness your parents doing the deed. 
Images via Wikipedia, History of Sex

river-of-constant-change:

The 15 Most Fascinating Sex Rituals Around the World

From Nerve.com: March 27, 2014.

Do your genitals have their own chant?

BY KATE HAKALA

Here in the United States in the year 2014, we have a pretty standard set of mating rituals: mill around a bar looking for attractive strangers who then purchase alcoholic beverages for you in hopes that you engage in friendly conversation and later, some sex. To an outsider, contemporary sex rituals might seem downright bizarre, but a deep dive into history books will tell you that in times of yore, throughout the world, the things we’ve done to get it on have been downright peculiar.

1. In pre-contact Hawaiian culture, everyone had public names for their genitals. Hawaiian royalty and commoners each had their own genital chants which described their sex organs both figuratively and literally. Called mele ma‘is, the genital chants were a celebration of the future generations boys and girls would sire. Plus, naming your genitals sounds a lot better than this euphemistic va-jay-jay business.

2. In the Sambian tribe of New Guinea, young men are kept away from women for a set period of time and must fellate and then swallow the semen of the tribe’s mightiest warriors. It’s just a part of growing up.

3. In the Trobriander tribe of Papa New Guinea, children start engaging in sexual activity as early as age 6 to 12. Women are just as active as men in pursuing sexual encounters. There’s no social stigma involved.

4. Some believe that in ancient Egypt, it was thought that the ebb and flow of the Nile was caused by the creation god Atum’s ejaculation. Because of this, pharaohs ritually masturbatedinto the famous river.

5. Homosexuality was socially significant in ancient Greece(this isn’t the weird part), with a particular focus on relationships between older gentlemen and young boys, or pederasty. The real stigma was when the two men of the same age and social class were getting it on, because being the bottom was thought to be feminizing, and sex was better off between people who already had a skewed power dynamic. Yeah, it’s weird.

6. The Guajiro people of Colombia engage in a ceremonial dance in which if a young lady trips a young man while dancing, they must have sex.

7. Male homosexuality and same-sex marriages were prominent for centuries in the Siwa tribe of Egypt . If men didn’t act gay, they were considered outcasts.

8. The little island of Inis Beag, off the coast of Ireland, is considered to be one of the most sexually repressed societies ever. Adults keep their underwear on during all sexual encountersand people consider intercourse to be hard on their health.

9. Mangaia, a tiny island in the South Pacific, is home to some of the earliest and most advanced sexual education. Starting at 13, boys have sex with older women who teach them restraint andhow to last longer to please a woman. Amen.

10. In the Mehinaku village in Brazil, men compete for sex with women by giving them gifts of fish.

11. The Kreung tribe in Cambodia built love huts for their girls when they reached their mid-teens. Different boys spend a night in the hut with the young girls until she finally finds a match. Divorce is illegal here, so think of the love hut as the sexual Sorting Hat.

12. In the Middle Ages, the church dictated that the missionary position was the only proper way to have sex. Coitus a tergo (you know, doing it from behind) was, of course, listed as the most shameful.

13. The Aweikoma of Brazil play it real simple and use the same word for eating and sex, since both involve taking something into your body. Great things, might I add.

14. Some tribes in the Himalayas practice polyandry, wherebrothers all share one sex partner. It’s done so that their farm land doesn’t become overpopulated with children.

15. In the Marquesas Islands, it was considered just fine to witness your parents doing the deed

Images via Wikipedia, History of Sex


filed under: A sex A sexual history A sexual rituals


From Nerve.com: Vintage Erotic Pocket Watches 

river-of-constant-change:

From Nerve.com - January 29, 2014

http://www.nerve.com/love-sex/some-of-the-earliest-porn-was-in-erotic-pocket-watches

Some of the Earliest Porn was in Erotic Pocket Watches

Sex is timeless.

BY KATE HAKALA

Move aside nudie ball point pens and Tijuana bibles, the latest smutty antiques to be uncovered from the annals of history are erotic pocket watches. Dubbed “pocket porn,” these dirty timepieces have a history that dates back to the early 19th century. Until recently, these erotic watches were only for in-the-know ardent collectors because their sexy undercurrents were concealed. Usually the hand-painted and extremely graphic depictions were hidden behind dials and faces of the pieces. But turn a knob, and out comes the duke groping under the courtesan’s skirt. 

Chris Del Gatto, consultant to Jacob & Co. jewelers, told CNBC that erotic pocket watches have a rich, illicit history, “In the beginning, people would commission pocket watches with faces of their wives or lovers because oftentimes people were separated months or years at a time.” These extremely rare gold and silver enameled automaton watches were a luxury when they debuted centuries ago, and today, diamond-encrusted modern takes on pocket porn like the “Caligula" are selling for up to $1.6 million. Which, I have to say, is a pricey reminder of your long-distance lover’s naked form when an up-the-skirt shot is just a sext away. Below are some of the highlights of this time-honored tradition.

[h/t CNBC]

Images via Antiquorum Auctioneers.


filed under: A sex A history A jewelry A pocket watch A porn


appendixjournal:

BuzzFeed came across our post about a 1680 sex manual called “The School of Venus” and did what they do best with it. We feel… honored?

appendixjournal:

BuzzFeed came across our post about a 1680 sex manual called “The School of Venus” and did what they do best with it. We feel… honored?


filed under: A sexual history


appendixjournal:

Before and after images from Le Livre Sans Title [The Book Without a Title] (Paris, 1830), which claimed that masturbation could lead to an early death. Before masturbating (left): “He was young, handsome and the hope of his mother.” After (right): “He is corrupted! Soon he carries the pain of his fault, old before his time… His back is bent…”

appendixjournal:

Before and after images from Le Livre Sans Title [The Book Without a Title] (Paris, 1830), which claimed that masturbation could lead to an early death. Before masturbating (left): “He was young, handsome and the hope of his mother.” After (right): “He is corrupted! Soon he carries the pain of his fault, old before his time… His back is bent…”




nessie-senpai:

Where did the idea of oral sex come about?

Like seriously, who one day saw an erect penis and thought, “hmm yes, I would like to suck on that”?

Just a random thought xD

According to my research, the first mention of what could be an act of fellatio occurs in the myth of Osiris and Isis. Osiris was killed by his brother and cut into pieces. Isis gathered the pieces to give him a proper burial, but couldn’t find the penis. She fashioned one out of clay (other versions say wax or gold), and “blew” life into him by sucking on it. (Not sure if photo is from time period but it’s the only one I could find)

Geb, the father of Osiris, also made an appearance sucking his own penis (autofellatio)

We also see depictions of fellatio in the Kama Sutra.

And of course, the Romans with their brothel tokens.

So as you can see, the act of fellatio has been around for quite some time. Some paleontologists suggest that early hominids such as “Lucy” engaged in fellatio. Apparently, Neolithic rock art has been found depicting what’s possibly the first recorded threesome, with a woman engaging in fellatio with one man while being penetrated by another (couldn’t find that particular picture, unfortunately).

So, that’s what I found on the subject. Anybody have anything else to add?




ironinomicon:

an early modern dildo shop
from the frontispiece to the school of venus, or the ladies delight, reduced into rules of practice, a sex manual printed in 1680

ironinomicon:

an early modern dildo shop

from the frontispiece to the school of venus, or the ladies delight, reduced into rules of practice, a sex manual printed in 1680




did-you-kno:

Source

did-you-kno:

Source


filed under: A fact A nikola tesla A sex A sexual history


naughtybynaturehistory:

Above we can see two Anti-Masturbation devices from the 1800s. The top is pretty obvious, your penis clearly doesn’t have the physical strength to bend the metal upwards. Its stuck down, so don’t even try. And if there is a penis out there that can bend this device, it would be both scary and amazing at the same time, but I would not want it near my cooch. The second image is quite a bit more sinister, if your penis swells it digs those little razor-blade teeth into the penis and that would be very painful indeed.  Victorians had many pseudo-scientific ideas about masturbation. During a time of sexual “repression” there was an excessive amount of discussion on sexuality, sex and “sexual disorders” in both social and medical settings.

So what do Kellogg’s Corn Flakes have to do with this? Dr. John Harvey Kellogg was the lead physician at Battle Creek Sanitarium. It was a health “Reform” center that would not admit known masturbators, as it was the most destructive form of mental illness around. Apparently I’m more deranged than Ted Bundy, Ed Gein or Charles Manson (but they probably masturbated too so maybe I’m ok). Kellogg’s treatments for masturbators included circumcising a male without anesthesia so he would remember the pain and be “scarred” for life and for the ladies, we got a drop of acid on our clit, NBD. It was reported that he did this on at least one pre-teen girl. Corn flakes were designed to be a pleasureless form of breakfast cereal for children because sweet, spicy (or pretty much anything with more flavor than cardboard) or warm food could cause sexual corruption and the urge to masturbate. Masturbators could be pointed out because they were:

Males: Unclean, tired, acne-ridden, had cancerous lesions, died slowly

Females: Flat chested. fickle, emaciated, had memory loss, and were irritable.

Sylvester Graham (yes, Graham crackers creator) had been an infleunce on Kellogg. Graham crackers were also meant to be dull and excite-less. However, he was not nearly as extreme as Kellogg and eventually turned his focus to only include promoting a healthy diet, with only a mention here and there about how female masturbators are just the WORST, am I right?

Read more in Masturbation in the Victorian Age by Jamye Waxman, its good!

AG 




❝The “grandmother” of sex-toy shops for women is Good Vibrations, the esteemed San Francisco firm that recently celebrated its 36th anniversary. Its founder, Joani Blank, sex educator/therapist, started the store because in 1977 when there was no where for women to get erotic materials that was in Blank’s words, “clean and well-lighted” and “friendly, feminist and fun.”❞

“How the Women of Good Vibrations and Babeland Have Helped to Liberate Female Orgasms”

 Alternet

(via goodvibestoys)




nautilid:

Julie D’Aubigny was a 17th-century bisexual French opera singer and fencing master who killed or wounded at least ten men in life-or-death duels, performed nightly shows on the biggest and most highly-respected opera stage in the world, and once took the Holy Orders just so that she could sneak into a convent and bang a nun. If nothing in that sentence at least marginally interests you, I have no idea why you’re visiting this website.
One of the most badass human beings ever produced by France was born in 1670 into a life of wealth, privilege, and one-percenter opulence that meant she could have just spent her entire life chilling out Real Housewives style without ever so much as having to shank a single human being in the eye in a hellacious fit of rage, but, as we shall soon see, that sort of malaise really wasn’t this chick’s bag. Her father was the Grand Squire of France, meaning that he was pretty much the number-one dude responsible for training King Louis XIV’s pages and maintaining the Royal Stables, and this guy wasn’t really the sort of hard-drinking drill sergeant motherfucker who was going to let his little daughter grow up without learning the finer arts of dishing out knuckle sandwiches to her enemies or running would-be suitors through the small intestines with the pointy end of a rapier. This French R. Lee Ermey trained young Julie the same way he trained the King’s Squires, and as a young woman she learned the finer points of necessary life skills such as horseback riding, horse maintenance and repair, drinking excessively, gambling, fistfighting, avenging your honor, and stabbing people in the fucking face when they don’t have the good sense to step off when you’re threatening them. Growing up surrounded by tough men, this tall young beauty with the dark auburn hair and piercing blue eyes was forged into an instrument of badassitude.

Julie D’Aubigny got started early on her career of banging and/or killing everything in sight when, at the age of sixteen, she started having an affair with her father’s boss. The young Mademoiselle D’Aubigny soon proved herself way too hot for that guy to handle, however, so before long he gave her father a promotion, then got her married off to some spineless jackass-non-gratta known only as Monsoir Maupin so that she would leave him alone. Maupin was a Count or Viscount or Demi-Count or some shit, and he lived in one of the colonies across the sea and rarely spent time in France, and since this chick wasn’t about to move out to bumfuck nowhere and be a quiet little housewife in some malaria-infested corner of the world she rarely saw him and he doesn’t factor into her life story in any appreciable manner at all. The only real thing this guy provided was a title, some money, and a wedding ring, all of which allowed Julie to use her marital status as a way of being able to do promiscuous shit she wouldn’t have been able to get away with as an unmarried woman.
So, while her husband was off doing god-knows-what in Africa or India or wherever the hell he was, Julie D’Aubigny moved to Marseille and started hooking up with a badass fencing master who just so happened to be on the run for murder after he stabbed some dude to death in an alley outside Paris. The homicidal fugitive swordsman trained D’Aubigny in the finer arts of fencing for a while, but as soon as she realized the student was now the master she ditched his broke ass and started giving sword exhibitions across Marseille to hone her skills and make a little extra dough. Basically it worked like this – she’d pull out her sword, sing a song or two, and challenge anyone in the audience to battle her in a duel. If someone stepped up, she’d sing a humiliating song about them, then make them look like assholes who couldn’t tell the difference between a sword and a limp piece of linguine. Her skills were so lights-out gonzo that one time some jerkwad in the crowd called out that she wasn’t really a woman, but was some badass cross-dressing cavalier musketeer motherfucker who was ripping everyone off. She responded by ripping open her blouse and telling the audience to “judge for themselves”.


Oddly enough, kicking peoples’ asses for money eventually led to a completely unrelated job prospect – a career as the star attraction of the Paris Opera. Apparently, while this chick was singing songs to humiliate her enemies in the dueling circle, some powerful record execs were in the audience, and they were so impressed by her melodious contralto voice that they decided she should be doing better shit than stabbing people in the balls for spare change. In the span of a few months, the woman known in Marseilles only as “La Maupin” (meaning “The Mapuin”) went from a completely untrained street performer to the lead actress in the world’s most respected Opera, playing roles of badass Classical chicks like Pallas Athena, Medea, and Dido. In addition to her flair for the dramatic and innate musical talent, it also helped that La Maupin had a near-photographic memory and rarely needed to read her lines more than once before committing them to memory.
Of course, her fiery temperament in love and combat meant that she slept with or swordfought with most of the men and women in the opera at various points during her career. Like, one time some jackass doucheface pretty-boy actor was being overly-aggressive while talking to one of Julie’s actress friends, so La Maupin told that asshole to take a chill pill and show the lady some respect. He told her to fuck off and mind her own bitch business. Later that night, as he was walking home, he found La Maupin standing in the street, weapon drawn, challenging him to a duel for honor. When the guy refused to pull his sword, she fucking beat his ass with a wooden cane, stole his pocketwatch, and left his dumb ass in an alley. The next day, the dude came to work with a couple black eyes, and when people were like, “WTF is up with your face,” he told them he got jumped by three big black dudes armed with hammers and baseball bats. As soon as he said this, La Maupin pulled out the dude’s pocketwatch and called him out a lying liar from Douchebagville. Then, to make matters more humiliating, she then forced the dude to kneel and beg forgiveness in front of all his co-workers before he could get his shit back.
La Maupin was also kind of a hardcore bisexual, and some of her tales of badass awesomeness dueling over female lovers and seducing chambermaids read like they were perpetrated by musketeers or pirates or some other ultra-daring swashbuckling male heroes of eighteenth-century literature. Of course, being a woman, Julie D’Aubigny could pull off some feats of romantic badassitude that most men could only dream of. The most notable example of this was the time that she became a nun just so she could hook up with one of the sisters in the convent. The story goes like this: One time the Mademoiselle D’Aubigny got some super-hot lusty blonde to fall in love with her. When the blonde’s parents found out their daughter was a lesbo, they had their “ravished” daughter put into a convent, totally unaware that this wasn’t going to be nearly enough to deter La Maupin – D’Aubigny took the holy orders, entered the convent as an initiate, created a diversion by setting the fucking convent on fire, and then kidnapped the blonde nun, snuck her out of there, and shacked up with her for like a month. Are you kidding me with this?
Of course, this chick was a lover as well as a fighter, and sometimes she was actually both at the same time. Like, one time a trio of drunk assholes were giving Julie shit while she was performing her songs in a rowdy tavern, so the star of the Paris Opera took all three of them out into the grassy courtyard, and when they all jumped her at the same time with their swords she drew her blade and made sure every single one of them was suffering from multiple stab wounds before she went back to the tavern. The next day she felt kind of bad about stabbing the fucking ass out of one of the dudes, so she went to his room to see how he was doing, and then ended up seducing him and getting busy with him relentlessly for like three weeks straight. You know you’re a fucking baller chick when you can shank a dude through the abdomen with a rapier and then still get it on with him. I mean, guys are easy, but they ain’t that easy.

On another occasion, La Maupin was at a Royal Ball in the palace of King Louis XIV, attending as the guest of Louis’ brother, Prince Philippe of France. She showed up to the party dressed as a man in a scarlet tunic and immediately started dancing with all the hot bitches, showing up all the young dudes looking for hot young wives. This was fine and all, but when La Maupin had the audacity to tongue-kiss a particularly fine-looking blonde marquise right in front of the entire Royal family, three jackass noblemen got a little bent out of shape about it and told Maupin she needed to start acting like a lady and stop macking on all the hot babes. La Maupin offered to take it outside, defeated all three men in three consecutive duels, then came back to the party while the trio of poseurs were still lying bleeding in the street like dogs. This event drew a little heat on the Maupin, so while she waited for things to cool down she decided to go to Brussels for a while and have an affair with the German Prince who happened to be the guy in charge of ruling over the Spanish Netherlands (no biggie).
Julie D’Aubigny, La Maupin, the most badass swashbuckler of 17th-century France, did eventually settle down a little, returned home to Paris, reunited with her husband, resumed her career as the star attraction of the Paris Opera. She died in 1707 of unknown causes at the age of 37, living fast, dying young, and leaving a good-looking corpse.

nautilid:

Julie D’Aubigny was a 17th-century bisexual French opera singer and fencing master who killed or wounded at least ten men in life-or-death duels, performed nightly shows on the biggest and most highly-respected opera stage in the world, and once took the Holy Orders just so that she could sneak into a convent and bang a nun. If nothing in that sentence at least marginally interests you, I have no idea why you’re visiting this website.

One of the most badass human beings ever produced by France was born in 1670 into a life of wealth, privilege, and one-percenter opulence that meant she could have just spent her entire life chilling out Real Housewives style without ever so much as having to shank a single human being in the eye in a hellacious fit of rage, but, as we shall soon see, that sort of malaise really wasn’t this chick’s bag. Her father was the Grand Squire of France, meaning that he was pretty much the number-one dude responsible for training King Louis XIV’s pages and maintaining the Royal Stables, and this guy wasn’t really the sort of hard-drinking drill sergeant motherfucker who was going to let his little daughter grow up without learning the finer arts of dishing out knuckle sandwiches to her enemies or running would-be suitors through the small intestines with the pointy end of a rapier. This French R. Lee Ermey trained young Julie the same way he trained the King’s Squires, and as a young woman she learned the finer points of necessary life skills such as horseback riding, horse maintenance and repair, drinking excessively, gambling, fistfighting, avenging your honor, and stabbing people in the fucking face when they don’t have the good sense to step off when you’re threatening them. Growing up surrounded by tough men, this tall young beauty with the dark auburn hair and piercing blue eyes was forged into an instrument of badassitude.

Julie D’Aubigny got started early on her career of banging and/or killing everything in sight when, at the age of sixteen, she started having an affair with her father’s boss. The young Mademoiselle D’Aubigny soon proved herself way too hot for that guy to handle, however, so before long he gave her father a promotion, then got her married off to some spineless jackass-non-gratta known only as Monsoir Maupin so that she would leave him alone. Maupin was a Count or Viscount or Demi-Count or some shit, and he lived in one of the colonies across the sea and rarely spent time in France, and since this chick wasn’t about to move out to bumfuck nowhere and be a quiet little housewife in some malaria-infested corner of the world she rarely saw him and he doesn’t factor into her life story in any appreciable manner at all. The only real thing this guy provided was a title, some money, and a wedding ring, all of which allowed Julie to use her marital status as a way of being able to do promiscuous shit she wouldn’t have been able to get away with as an unmarried woman.

So, while her husband was off doing god-knows-what in Africa or India or wherever the hell he was, Julie D’Aubigny moved to Marseille and started hooking up with a badass fencing master who just so happened to be on the run for murder after he stabbed some dude to death in an alley outside Paris. The homicidal fugitive swordsman trained D’Aubigny in the finer arts of fencing for a while, but as soon as she realized the student was now the master she ditched his broke ass and started giving sword exhibitions across Marseille to hone her skills and make a little extra dough. Basically it worked like this – she’d pull out her sword, sing a song or two, and challenge anyone in the audience to battle her in a duel. If someone stepped up, she’d sing a humiliating song about them, then make them look like assholes who couldn’t tell the difference between a sword and a limp piece of linguine. Her skills were so lights-out gonzo that one time some jerkwad in the crowd called out that she wasn’t really a woman, but was some badass cross-dressing cavalier musketeer motherfucker who was ripping everyone off. She responded by ripping open her blouse and telling the audience to “judge for themselves”.

Oddly enough, kicking peoples’ asses for money eventually led to a completely unrelated job prospect – a career as the star attraction of the Paris Opera. Apparently, while this chick was singing songs to humiliate her enemies in the dueling circle, some powerful record execs were in the audience, and they were so impressed by her melodious contralto voice that they decided she should be doing better shit than stabbing people in the balls for spare change. In the span of a few months, the woman known in Marseilles only as “La Maupin” (meaning “The Mapuin”) went from a completely untrained street performer to the lead actress in the world’s most respected Opera, playing roles of badass Classical chicks like Pallas Athena, Medea, and Dido. In addition to her flair for the dramatic and innate musical talent, it also helped that La Maupin had a near-photographic memory and rarely needed to read her lines more than once before committing them to memory.

Of course, her fiery temperament in love and combat meant that she slept with or swordfought with most of the men and women in the opera at various points during her career. Like, one time some jackass doucheface pretty-boy actor was being overly-aggressive while talking to one of Julie’s actress friends, so La Maupin told that asshole to take a chill pill and show the lady some respect. He told her to fuck off and mind her own bitch business. Later that night, as he was walking home, he found La Maupin standing in the street, weapon drawn, challenging him to a duel for honor. When the guy refused to pull his sword, she fucking beat his ass with a wooden cane, stole his pocketwatch, and left his dumb ass in an alley. The next day, the dude came to work with a couple black eyes, and when people were like, “WTF is up with your face,” he told them he got jumped by three big black dudes armed with hammers and baseball bats. As soon as he said this, La Maupin pulled out the dude’s pocketwatch and called him out a lying liar from Douchebagville. Then, to make matters more humiliating, she then forced the dude to kneel and beg forgiveness in front of all his co-workers before he could get his shit back.

La Maupin was also kind of a hardcore bisexual, and some of her tales of badass awesomeness dueling over female lovers and seducing chambermaids read like they were perpetrated by musketeers or pirates or some other ultra-daring swashbuckling male heroes of eighteenth-century literature. Of course, being a woman, Julie D’Aubigny could pull off some feats of romantic badassitude that most men could only dream of. The most notable example of this was the time that she became a nun just so she could hook up with one of the sisters in the convent. The story goes like this: One time the Mademoiselle D’Aubigny got some super-hot lusty blonde to fall in love with her. When the blonde’s parents found out their daughter was a lesbo, they had their “ravished” daughter put into a convent, totally unaware that this wasn’t going to be nearly enough to deter La Maupin – D’Aubigny took the holy orders, entered the convent as an initiate, created a diversion by setting the fucking convent on fire, and then kidnapped the blonde nun, snuck her out of there, and shacked up with her for like a month. Are you kidding me with this?

Of course, this chick was a lover as well as a fighter, and sometimes she was actually both at the same time. Like, one time a trio of drunk assholes were giving Julie shit while she was performing her songs in a rowdy tavern, so the star of the Paris Opera took all three of them out into the grassy courtyard, and when they all jumped her at the same time with their swords she drew her blade and made sure every single one of them was suffering from multiple stab wounds before she went back to the tavern. The next day she felt kind of bad about stabbing the fucking ass out of one of the dudes, so she went to his room to see how he was doing, and then ended up seducing him and getting busy with him relentlessly for like three weeks straight. You know you’re a fucking baller chick when you can shank a dude through the abdomen with a rapier and then still get it on with him. I mean, guys are easy, but they ain’t that easy.

On another occasion, La Maupin was at a Royal Ball in the palace of King Louis XIV, attending as the guest of Louis’ brother, Prince Philippe of France. She showed up to the party dressed as a man in a scarlet tunic and immediately started dancing with all the hot bitches, showing up all the young dudes looking for hot young wives. This was fine and all, but when La Maupin had the audacity to tongue-kiss a particularly fine-looking blonde marquise right in front of the entire Royal family, three jackass noblemen got a little bent out of shape about it and told Maupin she needed to start acting like a lady and stop macking on all the hot babes. La Maupin offered to take it outside, defeated all three men in three consecutive duels, then came back to the party while the trio of poseurs were still lying bleeding in the street like dogs. This event drew a little heat on the Maupin, so while she waited for things to cool down she decided to go to Brussels for a while and have an affair with the German Prince who happened to be the guy in charge of ruling over the Spanish Netherlands (no biggie).

Julie D’Aubigny, La Maupin, the most badass swashbuckler of 17th-century France, did eventually settle down a little, returned home to Paris, reunited with her husband, resumed her career as the star attraction of the Paris Opera. She died in 1707 of unknown causes at the age of 37, living fast, dying young, and leaving a good-looking corpse.


filed under: A sex A history A sexual history A bisexual A bamf


When Women Wanted Sex Much More Than Men | Alternet 

michaeldavidwood:

‘The idea that men are naturally more interested in sex than women is ubiquitous that it’s difficult to imagine that people ever believed differently. And yet for most of Western history, from ancient Greece to beginning of the nineteenth century, women were assumed to be the sex-crazed porn fiends of their day.’




The Masturbation Gap 

Interesting article about the history of masturbation being demonized, and also about the gap between how men and women view masturbation. 




pbsthisdayinhistory:

Feb. 26, 1852: Happy Birthday to the Inventor of Corn Flakes!
On this day in 1852, John H. Kellogg, the inventor of corn flakes, was born in Battle Creek, Michigan. 
As a physician in a Seventh Day Adventist sanitarium, John Kellogg worked with his brother Will Keith Kellogg to develop cereal products for his patients. With these innovative products, the brothers co-founded a business to get their products on the market. Unfortunately, the brothers broke business ties due to management and personal disputes. 
Learn more about the history of cereal with PBS Food.
Image: Dr. John Harvey Kellogg between ca. 1910 and ca. 1915 (Library of Congress)

Dr. Kellogg was a staunch advocate of anti-masturbation propaganda, believing that certain foods can cause “heated blood” and lead to urges. In the late 1800s, masturbation-inducing foods included “cloves, vinegar, pickles, candy, eggs, and pork”, so anti-masturbation dietitians recommended just the opposite of these tasty foodstuffs. This is where Kellogg’s corn flakes come into play. He believed his cereal would clear the mind and help men overcome the urge to masturbate.
Other supporters of ”food to help you stop jerking off” include C.W. Post, inventor of Grape-Nuts, and Reverend Sylvester Graham, who originally created Honey Biscuits, but is now known for his namesake, Graham crackers, which were used to help children gain weight, which would give them the strength to overcome their urges.

Source: 5 Insane Ways Fear of Masturbation Shaped the Modern World

pbsthisdayinhistory:

Feb. 26, 1852: Happy Birthday to the Inventor of Corn Flakes!

On this day in 1852, John H. Kellogg, the inventor of corn flakes, was born in Battle Creek, Michigan. 

As a physician in a Seventh Day Adventist sanitarium, John Kellogg worked with his brother Will Keith Kellogg to develop cereal products for his patients. With these innovative products, the brothers co-founded a business to get their products on the market. Unfortunately, the brothers broke business ties due to management and personal disputes. 

Learn more about the history of cereal with PBS Food.

Image: Dr. John Harvey Kellogg between ca. 1910 and ca. 1915 (Library of Congress)

Dr. Kellogg was a staunch advocate of anti-masturbation propaganda, believing that certain foods can cause “heated blood” and lead to urges. In the late 1800s, masturbation-inducing foods included “cloves, vinegar, pickles, candy, eggs, and pork”, so anti-masturbation dietitians recommended just the opposite of these tasty foodstuffs. This is where Kellogg’s corn flakes come into play. He believed his cereal would clear the mind and help men overcome the urge to masturbate.

Other supporters of ”food to help you stop jerking off” include C.W. Post, inventor of Grape-Nuts, and Reverend Sylvester Graham, who originally created Honey Biscuits, but is now known for his namesake, Graham crackers, which were used to help children gain weight, which would give them the strength to overcome their urges.

Source: 5 Insane Ways Fear of Masturbation Shaped the Modern World